Free to Breathe Page 14

  We’d spent almost all of our time at Noah’s place and we’d shared a lot of happy times; however when I suggested it was time to go home, he looked depressed. I could understand that in a way because by that time we had practically been living there. It was then that Noah pushed the boundaries of our relationship again and asked us to move in with him permanently.

  Making the move official made me nervous. It was a huge step for us, but Noah was obviously very keen to make it happen because it became a nightly topic for discussion.

  To him it made sense because Molly and I had only spent two days at home in the previous five weeks and he pleaded with me to trust him. From my perspective it was no time at all since Shona’s death and I wasn’t sure I had made many rational decisions since she had passed. Living with a rock star wasn’t something the old Maggie would ever have entertained, and part of me felt I had changed so much since what happened to Shona that I barely recognized myself.

  Noah argued it had been six whole months since our first kiss and if I wasn’t ready to be with him by that time would I ever be. His point concerned me, and I realized where I was the one feeling insecure, he was the one offering me his commitment.

  Add to that the intensity of our relationship where we felt like we’d known each other forever. We had laughed, loved, and supported each other when each of us felt it beyond us to feel comforted, yet we had found comfort, passion and everything in between in our relationship.

  If I wasn’t with him, even if it was only for an hour, I missed him. He had openly told me the same. Then I reminded myself about how he’d defended me that day in the waiting area at Molly’s school, and my doubts dispersed like dust. It was at that point I went with my gut and I agreed.

  Noah was ecstatic, his parents and brothers were too, and that sealed the deal for me because I knew Molly would be surrounded by protective men, a kick ass grandma figure and a secure future whatever happened between Noah and me.

  The following day I headed home and began to deal with the home I was leaving behind. For most of the week I cleared house until I only had one room left. Packing up Shona’s things was the most harrowing task besides identifying and burying her. Noah offered to help, but that felt weird given Shona’s obsession with him. It was because of Shona’s memory I’d never invited him to our home.

  Cracking open her bedroom door took all my mental strength. A faint smell lingered in the room. It smelled of Shona’s perfume and the first thing I focused on once I had stepped inside was four, three-foot framed posters of Noah… my Noah, hanging on her walls. Feeling guilty, I tried to ignore them at first, but my mind flitted back to how angry they used to make me feel every time I opened the door of her room.

  Now, I couldn’t bear to look at them. I turned my attention to her dresser drawers and began emptying her folded clothes into boxes for the thrift store. Noticing one of her favorite hoodies hanging on the back of her chair, I stopped what I was doing then and there and reached out toward it. I grabbed it, held it to my nose and inhaled deeply.

  A huge lump grew in my throat and I struggled to breathe as a fresh wave of grief crashed in and hit me hard. Despite all our issues, I missed her so much. It had been weeks since I’d cried for her by then, but to know all that was left of her on this earth was the slightest scent of her, a small child, and a few personal possessions, crippled me.

  For an hour all I had done was sat on her bedroom floor and cried. Memories of better times intermingled with the times when I’d almost had to drag Shona from her bed to take care of Molly when I had to leave for work. After a while anger crept into my emotions again when I remembered how selfish she’d been when she left Molly behind. I wiped away my tears when aggression replaced sorrow.

  When I recommenced what I set out to do, I reached for her shelves full of vinyl albums. Taking a handful at a time I shoved them into one of the larger cardboard boxes bound for the charity shop. Noah and his band suddenly smiled up from one. I closed my eyes as another pang of guilt hit me before I shoved it in with the rest and tried to forget he was my sister’s fantasy crush, not mine.

  Four hours after I started the task my work was done, and Shona’s life footprint was almost erased. I didn’t keep anything except a small silver picture frame for Molly that sat by Shona’s bed. In it was the smiling face of two of most beautiful girls in the world, Shona and Molly.

  I was fortunate because the thrift store was only four blocks away and when they offered to send a small truck to collect everything I felt relieved that I wouldn’t have to walk away seeing all her things being set out for sale for bargain hunters to rummage through. Once I had made up my mind that Molly, and I were starting afresh I also donated most of my parent’s possessions as well.

  Initially, I considered keeping the house going just in case we didn’t work out, but then decided if it would be an admission that I never expected it to. If Noah was all in, then so was I, and scary as it was, I had to show the same level of commitment to the new life we would build together.

  What did give me confidence was that Noah’s intentions were completely on point, but my one nagging doubt was his history with alcohol. I believed what he said about his son being worth more than slipping back to drinking, and by moving in with him I had also accepted I had a responsibility to help make sure nothing changed his point of view.

  Then the way Noah took to Molly was incredible. He doted on her every word and after a very short time they appeared to be joined at the hip. She idolized him but in a different way to her mother. Molly copied him incessantly, nagged for his attention and followed him around. Noah, instead of being annoyed, appeared to revel in her affection for him. I knew I’d be hard pushed to find anyone else like Noah… and I didn’t want to anyway, so as scary as it was, I had to have faith in us.

  The delight on Noah’s face when I agreed wiped any nagging doubt from my mind. Oh how he wanted us there. His beaming smile and obvious joy was an image that would stay in my mind. It was the one that got me through as I discarded my family possessions that held painful memories of the past. And as soon as the truck full of my history disappeared, instead of the sadness I’d expected to feel I was suddenly free to breathe.

  Glancing around the empty house I took one last look around. I scanned the walls in the hall, noting I had missed one small picture that hung above a doorway. It was a family snap of my parents with me and Shona the day after she was born. I wondered how I missed it when I had taken down everything else.

  Sliding it off the wall, I wrapped it carefully in the last piece of padding I had and placed it in the trunk of my car. Closing the door for the last time I was surprised to realize I felt no deep attachment to the place, perhaps that was because I’d experienced so much pain when we all lived there.

  I climbed into the car and reversed past the ‘For Sale’ sign at the end of the driveway. Glancing one last time at the house I put the stick into drive. Pulling away from the street, I took a deep breath and sighed in relief then I prayed I was headed for happier times in the next part of my life’s journey.

  With one part of my plan complete, the next was to face my colleagues at work, and just as I suspected there were more than a few who frowned upon my relationship with Noah. His reputation preceded him and it was decided in my absence among my peers that I must have had some kind of breakdown to even think of being with Noah. From the way they demonized him I grew worried about their constant questioning about how he was with Molly. I knew what it felt like to be guilty by association during that time.

  Maybe I wasn’t thinking straight, but I hadn’t figured it would be a problem with him. It wasn’t like he was any threat to her. He loved Molly almost as much as I did. I never for a second worried about him being with her, and legally, I was her guardian, not Noah, and ultimately, I made any decisions regarding her welfare. That wasn’t how they saw it and I knew from those questions they thought I had moved a vulnerable child into the home of a man who was forbidden to
have contact with his own child.

  At the end of a trying week, I left work and drove home feeling far less confident about the interference of others than I had that first night we’d moved in for good. Noah noticed how withdrawn I was and after Molly was settled in bed, he pulled me onto his lap on the sofa.

  “All right, out with it,” he coaxed as he rubbed his hand possessively up and down my thigh.

  “It’s nothing,” I replied shaking my head.

  “If you’re telling me it’s nothing, then it’s something. Come on, what’s got you so preoccupied?”

  I stared longingly into his eyes and felt angry that I was being made to voice the concerns of some who judged him wrongly.

  “Remember I told you how concerned I was about work?”

  “Right… and?”

  “Most of the shit I can handle but there are a couple who have now taken the mantle about Molly.”

  “Molly?”

  “Yeah… they want to know if she’s safe around you,” I said quietly and cringed when I said it out loud.

  “Yeah?” he asked in a defeated tone. His hand stilled on my leg.

  I nodded and wrapped my arms around his neck. His head drooped in thought.

  “Fuckers,” he muttered and glanced up at my face. “You know I’d—”

  “I’ve never doubted Molly’s safety for one second so don’t even think about that part. What’s worrying me is they’ve mentioned there could be safeguarding issues because of the restraining order against you.”

  I felt his whole body sag further into the sofa before he glanced up at me. “Tell me what to do and I’ll do it,” Noah stated. He sounded desperate to do the right thing.

  “There’s only one way I can think of to curb their thirst and that would be to contact welfare myself, but it would be an intrusive process, Noah.”

  “Do it.”

  “Are you sure? I thought if I make it open house then they’ll see how you are with Molly and that you pose no threat. It may even help to re-establish contact with Rudi.”

  Noah leaned back into the back of the sofa taking me with him.

  “What the fuck has the world come to?” he asked, sounding as sad as I’d ever heard him. “Call them.”

  “Okay. If you’re sure. We’ll just have to make them see you’re a great influence in Molly’s life and then they’ll leave us in peace.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Noah

  There were times in my life when I thought I could sink no lower and then there were visits from Child Welfare. There aren’t many men who would open their home for inspection but that’s exactly what I did to protect my relationship with Maggie. I couldn’t help feeling like we were being punished by people because they had nothing better to do.

  Not one, but two social workers visited, traveling in pairs because they deemed me a high risk of violence, according to Maggie. If that were the case how could two middle-aged women defend each other against me unless they were carrying concealed weapons. I’d only ever hit one person in my life and that was in self-defense—yet this was the result.

  When I opened the door the shorter, heavier built of the two women looked past me. “Anyone at home?” Is she blind? I’m right in front of her.

  “Maggie and Molly should be home any minute,” I replied when I looked at my wristwatch. “Please, come inside. I put fresh coffee on a few minutes ago.” Standing clear of the door I gestured by sweeping my hand toward the sitting room and waited for them to enter. The same woman looked dismayed when I had asked her inside like I was some kind of serial killer and stayed put stuffing her hands into her pockets, the second stepped over the threshold.

  “Thank you, Noah.”

  I watched her move further into the hallway and glanced back at the first again. It was clear she thought she was in charge but was confused about what to do since her colleague had undermined her. Deciding to ignore her I turned away and walked in front of the first leaving her in the doorway. I wasn’t going to be the one to coax her to come in. I didn’t want her there in the first place.

  “You have a beautiful home. Clara Simmons,” she advised as she began unbuttoning her coat. Seconds later the one from the door wandered into the room. She still had a wary look on her face.

  “It’s very… homey,” she offered warily as I watched her scanning the room. Probably for knives and gun since I was such a threat.

  “How long have you lived here, Mr. Haxby?” the hostile one asked in an indignant tone.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name,” I replied, reminding her of her manners.

  “Jean Thompson,” she replied dispensing with civility.

  “Well Jean, and Clara,” I added, careful to address both women, “I’ve had this house for just four years.

  “Don’t you have a place in New York?”

  “No. That was when Fr8Load were first starting out. I shared that place with my bandmate, George. He lives there alone now.”

  “And you don’t miss the excitement of New York?” Jean asked.

  “When I was a teenager everything was exciting, Jean. These days spending time with Maggie and Molly is what I live for. I enjoy the sedate life I have now and I’m glad I had the opportunity to live in New York, because it’s taught me to recognize what I really want out of life, and that Noah Haxby the rock star isn’t in fact anything like who I am at home.”

  “Good answer, Mr. Haxby,” Jean replied, like I’d anticipated her question and had an answer ready.

  “I didn’t realize I was being quizzed, Jean. What I’ve said is the truth.”

  Before she could react again to what I said the front door burst open, and I heard the small footsteps of Molly scurrying down the polished wooden hallway. “Noah, Noah, look what I got at school today,” she said before she was even in my sights.

  When she entered the room she hesitated, glanced from one woman to the other than back to the small shield she held in her hands. Her need to show me what she had in her hand overtook any shyness she may have felt about the strangers in the room and she hurried to my side.

  Taking the small silver award from her hand I read what it said with interest as Molly kicked off her shoes right where she stood and climbed up on the sofa beside me. ‘Most considerate student in class,’ it read.

  “Wow, Molly, I am so proud of you, baby girl. What did you do that your teacher was so impressed about?”

  “Jonny Dinks wet his pants during morning recess. All the boys saw it and made fun of him. I told them to think how they would feel. I felt bad for him, so I took my coat off, told him to hide his wet pants then I took him to the school office and they fixed him up with clean ones. Auntie Maggie, my coat is in the blue bag. Mrs. Lane said it needs to go in the wash as it has pee-pee on it,” she shouted out to Maggie who still hadn’t shown her face.

  “I’m very proud of you for helping Jonny, Molly. It shows how grown up you’ve become, and I hope those boys have learned a valuable lesson from you today,” I replied.

  Molly’s face beamed brightly a wide smile making her face shine. She climbed up onto her knees and took both sides of my face in her hands, “I knew you’d say that,” she offered and planted a kiss on my cheek. "Can I have a cookie?” she asked, quickly moving the conversation forward to the next thing that interested her.

  “I think Auntie Maggie will be doing dinner in a little while and I’m not agreeing to anything unless she says so, but before you ask her there are some ladies I’d like you to meet.”

  Molly snapped her head around to face the two women who had been sitting quietly observing.

  “Hello,” she said and gave a small wave that was much more in keeping with the five-year-old she was.

  “Hello, Molly, I’ve been looking forward to meeting you. It looks like we’ve picked a great day to do that what with your award and everything,” Clara told her.

  “Who are you?” Molly asked, and I smirked because she had picked up on the fact they hadn�
�t introduced themselves to her.

  “My name is Clara and I’ve come to visit with you because I heard you and your Aunt Maggie recently moved in to live here with Noah.”

  “Oh,” she replied like Clara’s explanation was all she needed.

  “How do you feel about having moved home, Molly?” Jean enquired.

  “Good.”

  “Good? Do you miss your old house?”

  “Nope. I like it much better here.”

  “Why is that, Molly?”

  Molly shrugged her shoulders and looked at me. I knew she wanted me to help her with that, but I also knew she had to say what was in her heart. Then I wondered if she felt comfortable talking about her feelings in front of me.

  “Do you want me to go get your Aunt Maggie, sweetheart?”

  “No, it’s okay. What was the question again?”

  “You said it’s better here than your old house. Can you tell us why?”

  “Sure. Because Noah is fun, and he plays with me at board games when Auntie Maggie is making dinner, and he’s good at Math… and he tells me the funniest stories with silly voices.”

  “Is there anything else?” Jean prompted.

  “There’s hundreds and tens of things,” she replied in an exacerbated tone, “I just can’t think when you’re putting me on the spot,” she said flicking her bangs from her eyes like she was tired of the question.

  “Sounds like Noah really likes you, Molly.”

  “Well, duh. He wouldn’t do all that if he didn’t. He loves me. He told me… and I love him right back,” she said with a shrug.

  Maggie came into the room and placed a tray on the coffee table. It had Molly’s small plastic mug full of milk, cookies, a pot of coffee, cups, sugar, and a small jug of milk. As soon as Molly saw it she hurried to get off the sofa.

  “Careful, Molly, the pot is full of hot coffee,” I called out urgently. I looked over to Jean and noticed she was making notes on a small pad and wondered what she had written.