Free to Breathe Page 6

  When I looked past Eamon into the room, I saw the woman in profile, leaning against a piece of furniture. She was staring out of the window and her presence filled the whole room with sadness.

  I moved past Eamon and signaled for him to wait outside. As I closed the door, I cleared my throat and expected her to turn to face me. When she didn’t, I knew it was because she blamed me for her sister’s demise.

  “Thank you for agreeing to meet with me, Maggie. I appreciate you giving me the time to explain. Please accept my heartfelt condolences at this sad time for your family.” Maggie eyed me with a guarded expression then looked back out of the window again, so I continued. “I’m very sorry to have met you under these circumstances, and I apologize for the way I approached you downstairs. I genuinely had no idea about Shona’s death.”

  When I called her sister by name Maggie’s head jerked in my direction and her eyes searched my face. The sorrow in her eyes pierced my heart. When she didn’t reply, I moved closer until I stood directly in front of her.

  “I really am so sorry for your loss and I feel pretty inadequate to know what to say to you. I know this is hardly the time either, but be assured I will be supporting all the financial obligations connected with Shona’s death. It’s the least I can do.”

  For a few seconds Maggie continued to stare directly at me but I noticed there was no animosity in her expression like there had been before.

  “I only learned what happened after you became distressed downstairs and left. No one had told me of the terrible incident involving your sister. It was very wrong of my manager to advise Annalise to keep me in the dark until we were back in the USA.”

  Standing quietly, I watched as she hugged herself, her fingertips blanching as she squeezed her upper arms. Tears began to stream down her face, and I became aware of the weight of the burden she carried. I wanted to hug her… to comfort her, but I held back and folded my arms, instinctively knowing the move would feel wrong to her.

  “Would your family like some support to plan the funeral?”

  “I’m angry. So fucking… incredibly angry,” she said in a sudden outburst. At first, I wasn’t sure if she meant angry at me, then I realized it was a general statement directed at no one in particular.

  “I can’t begin to imagine—”

  “No, you can’t,” she sobbed, wiping her tears roughly from her face. “My sister was infatuated with you. You have no idea the trouble it caused us. She walked away from her responsibilities at home and flew around the world just to ensure you had a pressed outfit to wear on stage and she had an opportunity to be close to you.”

  Maggie dropped her arms, shook her head, and waited for my response.

  “Responsibilities? I thought Annalise said Shona was single?”

  “Yeah, she was single. I mean she had no partner… but she was a mom. Now it falls to me to take care of Molly… her daughter. So, if I sound bitter and have no time for you doing your duty here, you’ll forgive me.”

  “Fuck.” I muttered in disbelief. The burden of the situation was felt by me, yet I had no understanding what it would feel like to have someone else’s child to care for in the wake of their death. Maggie was grieving the loss of her sister and had become a mother figure the moment Shona died.

  My heart squeezed at the terrible situation Maggie had found herself in through no fault of her own.

  Chapter Seven

  Maggie

  It was clear from the genuinely shocked reaction on Noah’s face he was affected by what had happened with my sister, and I believed him when he said he wanted to help. I was surprised because the guy appeared so different from how he behaved on stage.

  “Right. I want you to know you’re not alone. I refuse to let that happen. You’re not on your own so long as I’m around. Tell me what you and Molly need and it's yours.” His flashy statement made me eye him suspiciously. I didn’t want someone who threw money at a problem. No amount of money in the world could bring Shona back.

  “Just like that? You think money makes everything better? Makes it go away? Maybe your help will get us through the immediate aftermath of Shona’s passing, but what then? I’m more focused on what happens when the dust settles. I’m a schoolteacher of limited means and I have no choice but to accept your assistance to bury my sister due to my lack of savings, but after that I need to work and find my own solutions to this. I won’t become dependent on handouts.”

  “Your sister was employed by my band; therefore, it is our responsibility to ensure her family don’t suffer financial hardship.”

  “Listen, you’ll forgive me if I’m not that grateful for your support. I don’t really know what I’m going to say or do from one moment to the next right now, but it’s Shona that I’m most angry with. Not you. She knew how hard I had to work to keep our heads above water and still… abandoned us.”

  My voice broke and I couldn’t stem the fresh tears, or the lump burning at the back of my throat and I broke down in front of him. I covered my face with my hands and began to sob uncontrollably. Hearing the worries that had been swirling in circles in my mind for days was too much to handle. Noah hurriedly reached out and hugged me. I was so desperate for that human touch that I didn’t pull away.

  “Will you be able to keep her? I mean will your partner be supportive?” Noah asked, eyeing me with a questioning stare.

  “There is no partner. Shona already saw to that. Look at me. What guy in his right mind would want a thirty-three-year-old schoolteacher with someone else’s child to care for?”

  Noah’s eyes met mine and I could see him study me. “Most men I imagine,” he mumbled almost to himself, “look this isn’t the time, but you are one very beautiful wo—”

  “Enough with the shit. I can’t believe you’d take an opportunity like this to turn on the charm.”

  “Hey, I’m not lying. I think you’re an extremely attractive woman, but I didn’t mean it the way it sounded. I just meant any man would be proud to be with you. Having a child, yours or otherwise, doesn't make you any less appealing. But I’m sorry the conversation digressed. I’ll set up a trust fund for Shona’s child, Molly, is it? Whatever she needs: a monthly allowance, college fees. How old is she? I’m sure we can figure something out, I’ll have my legal team draw something up—”

  As if he suddenly became aware I was still wrapped in his arms, he dropped his hands and stepped back. He gave me an awkward glance which made me feel self-conscious. I felt the loss of his warmth and crossed my arms again grabbing my upper arms.

  “She’s only five, but it’s okay. I’m okay. We’ll get by. Thank you for taking the time to come to speak with me personally.”

  “Don’t push me away, I want to help. Genuinely… I’d like to help you and Molly.”

  “You don’t have to feel guilty. Until Annalise explained you didn’t know about Shona, I hated you. I’ll admit I was wrong. I’ve come to my senses on that and realize none of this is your fault. If it hadn’t been your band Shona had chosen it would have been another. Looking back at the way she lived her life she never really gave a shit about anyone but herself.”

  We fell quiet for a minute then he turned and leaned back on the small sideboard, swapping places to where I had been when he had first entered the room. “Believe me, I’m not paying lip service to your loss. Shona was on my team; that makes you and Molly part of the Fr8Load family. We take care of family.”

  I thought about the press coverage surrounding his domestic issues and raised an eyebrow.

  “Don’t look so surprised, Maggie. I can guess what you’re thinking. Don’t believe everything you read about me in the papers. That’s not who I am… that’s who they want me to be.”

  “They?”

  “The media, my management. I shouldn’t have to say this, but I will for your benefit. No matter what you’ve read or seen about me in the press there’s only one thing I can be bothered to defend. And that is, I love my son with my life. I’d die for him.
My ex is a difficult woman, but if I thought taking Andrea to task would solve the issues she’s created with Rudi, I would. Unfortunately, the world would never believe my side of the story. My only hope is that one day my son will know the truth about me.”

  I knew what he was talking about. According to the newspapers, Noah was forbidden to have contact with his son, Rudi, on account of his volatile behavior. I eyed him curiously because the man who stood in front of me didn’t appear anything like the reputation he’d been given.

  “Regardless of what my ex, Andrea, told the papers about me, my relationship with her was never totally serious. When I first met her, I thought she was lovely. I really liked spending time with her. We had a lot of fun and I thought she was good for me. What I didn’t know then was she figured she could change me. When it became clear after a couple of months I was still the same person, she began to show her frustration when she couldn’t get her own way. Then I guess she became frustrated when I refused to do what she wanted.”

  He stopped for a moment and I saw the hurt in his eyes when he stared back at me. For a few seconds I wondered if he felt he had said too much, then he sighed like it was a relief to tell someone and carried on. “From that moment on she became clingy and argumentative, but she knew me enough to know that being pregnant would be a game changer for her.”

  “So, she trapped you?”

  “The day I drew a line under us as a couple she was understandably upset, but I never knew then it was too late for a clean break because she was already pregnant. After a long discussion, it was agreed I’d pay all her medical bills, set her up in a safe comfortable apartment close to my home, and employ a housekeeper and nanny to move in to support her. I was on the road a lot, but I wanted to see my child as much as possible and I’d have been happy to help bring him up every second that I could.”

  “It was also where your son would live so it made sense to take care of them both.”

  “After initially accepting the plan she reneged on the deal and decided if I wanted to help her bring up our son they should move into my home. From a previous incident I witnessed, I already had an understanding of her true character, and figured it was a bad idea. I’d seen how she treated her ex-boyfriend and after that there was no way I’d have allowed that to happen.”

  I moved over to a chair by the window, sat quietly, and listened with interest to him.

  “Emotionally I still was a kid, far too immature to commit to a lasting relationship, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t willing to take responsibility for the care for my child. However, the way Andrea corrupted the information about the public incident I was involved in ruined any chance of me being involved in my son’s life. I have to admit she was smart, the way she got everyone onboard with that. As the story escalated, I knew I’d never get a fair hearing.”

  Noah’s own sad situation distracted me from my mine for a while and I felt bad for him as I watched how his body language reflected the genuine rejection he felt.

  “Since Andrea and I split, I’ve never felt the same about relationships. I thought she was beautiful inside and out. She appeared kind and loving until I learned how manipulative and vindictive she could be. It was my own fault. I was so busy acting up to the self-indulgent arrogant public image people expected, that I must have missed how cunning she was.”

  “Noah, with the money at your disposal I’m sure you could find a way of reconnecting with your son.”

  “You’d have thought so, but that hasn’t been the case. My parents see him, but not me. No one saw that side of the situation. I cared what happened to her and my baby. When she began defaming my character, I allowed the story to run until it was too late to shut her down. At the time, I was still trying to keep her on side for my baby’s sake. By the time I let my legal team act, the damage had already been done.”

  “And you haven’t seen him since? Did I read that somewhere?” I asked, remembering a court case of some kind.

  “No, and that’s a whole other story. Every spare moment I’ve had since the day Rudi was born has been occupied by thoughts of him. At first Andrea appeared to accept how we were, and fortunately she gave him my name, but when I was pictured with a female artist during an awards event she suddenly refused my requests to visit with my son. My legal team were on it, but I became depressed at being excluded from his life.”

  “Envy can have a vicious side,” I agreed.

  Noah nodded, “Except for the financial side, she cut all ties and I was fighting her on that, but my depression overtook everything. With that came my dependency on alcohol. As my drinking got worse, I didn’t care about my work, life… anything except Rudi. Andrea boxed clever, delaying legal moves with a range of excuses. All that changed when Rudi was five months old. I punched a guy who groped me. It was an instant reaction in self-defense, but the dude fell badly and was knocked out. I’ll admit I did mean to hit him, but I didn’t mean to harm him to that extent. Anyway, as my reputation preceded me that wasn’t how the courts saw it, yet I was only drunk because of Andrea’s unreasonable behavior in the first place.”

  “You must have felt like you were your own worst enemy when that happened.”

  “Exactly, and I suppose from how she made things look it must have appeared like I couldn’t give a shit she’d had my kid, but behind the scenes I was a mess. Her behavior has been so unreasonable even when I’ve tried to do the right thing. Not once have I asked for a DNA test or denied her baby was mine. She was with me and I knew it was. Back then, I may not have been the most stable guy in the world, but that didn’t mean I’d have ever turned my back on them.”

  I couldn’t help but feel sympathetic toward him because if what he said happened was true, a court fueled by bias reporting made a judge make a damning decision which kept him from his son just as much as Andrea had.

  “One mindless act of defense marked me as a violent man, which Andrea used to obtain a restraining order. It still gets renewed and prevents me from visitation rights with my son. I thought my legal team were good, but she’s got one clever motherfucking attorney. Every time it comes up there’s been another story about me somewhere that has kept the ball rolling as to me not being a suitable person in Rudi’s life. Funny how everyone has recognized my financial capabilities, yet they reserve the right to prevent me from demonstrating my parental ones which would have allowed my son to have a mother and a father.”

  My heart clenched tightly in my chest when I saw how devastated he was when he relived a painful moment in his mind. No one saw the real crime in the scenario he painted. He was arrested for defending himself. From what he said, Noah reacted in shock to defend himself. However, no matter what the circumstances were, to the establishment in authority he was a lowly wayward rock star and the other guy was the potential Harvard law student with a perfect 4.0 GPA, according to Noah.

  “Why in Hell’s name do people always equate intelligence with common decency and moral standards?” he rightly asked. “It would never have entered my head to pull a stunt like that on someone for any reason. He wasn’t asked to give a reason by the way. However, the papers stated that he had brains and I was essentially, a fucked-up alcoholic musician, so I must be guilty.”

  Fury gripped my head, forming a band like a tightening vice, and I felt angry by the sense of injustice he’d suffered.

  “I’m not going to justify what happened. Revisiting that is pointless. What’s done is done, but I swear to anyone who will listen that some day people will know me for who I really am. Sure I drank—way too much in fact, but I don’t anymore. I felt helpless. My situation felt helpless… still does. Perhaps that’s why I empathize with your situation so deeply. Maybe it takes someone who’s been there to see the level of despair in someone else. And believe me, Maggie, when I look at you, I see your distress as clear as if you wore it written on a button and pinned it to your lapel.”

  Hugging myself tighter, I wandered toward the door of the suite. "Thank you for sharin
g your story. For what it’s worth, I believe you, Noah. As for your offer, Shona didn’t have life insurance so I feel I have no choice but to accept your help for the funeral expenses. You’ll never know the relief I feel about that, but Molly isn’t your responsibility and I refuse to take advantage of your own personal situation to better ours. I’ll manage somehow.”

  Chapter Eight

  Maggie

  Closing the door on the suite, I eyed the tall Irishman who protected Noah. He nodded at me acknowledging my presence, then I made my way back to the safety of my hotel room. The hatred I’d held for Noah had been replaced completely by sympathy. My perception of Noah Haxby had been totally altered to what I felt before I’d met him personally.

  Instead, I’d found him a very intelligent, amenable man who was full of genuine compassion for our loss. The last thing I’d expected was to find a very level-headed, softly spoken man, yet I found that in Noah. His brash rock star persona had irked me from the moment I knew my sister was into him and I was relieved to find he was nothing like that at all.

  Even though I was grieving, when Noah wrapped me in his arms and held me the way he did, I was aware of his warmth. It had been a spontaneous and comforting hug. I would never have thought him capable of that from the stories I’d read if I hadn’t experienced it first-hand.

  Later, when I sat reflecting on our conversation, the thing that struck me the most during it was although he was only a few years older than Shona, it was clear his life had been vastly different. He was worldly and appeared to have a level of maturity I rarely found in men of my own age.

  A painful ache returned to my heart and squeezed tight when my thoughts turned to my poor little niece, Molly. I had no idea what the future held now I was all she had. My throat closed with emotion when I realized nothing could prevent the heartache she would feel at the loss of her mother, no matter how lax Shona had been as a parent.